It's been a challenging couple of months. School, life, and sadness have filled my life and I'll admit, i've placed God on the back burner. I go through these periods of life frequently; I talk to Jesus, I know he's there, but I don't actively seek Him out. He's not priority in my life, I am. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, and it's taken a while fot me to admit to myself that my relationship with Jesus is my own responsibility, not someone else's. No one can pray for me or build my relationship with Jesus and have it all nice and pretty and ready for me. That's just not reality. I thought that I could act like Jesus was first in my life and it would be okay, but He's slowly teaching me that putting Him second automatically places me at a disadvantage.
Think about when you first came to know the Lord (if you haven't come to know Him yet, I pray that you will experience the incredible love that is Jesus Christ). How did you come to know Jesus? Maybe through a friend, family member, bible school, a Sunday school teacher, whatever it maybe, remember how you found Jesus. For most of us, we learned about Jesus through word of mouth, someone told us about the incredible love that He shows us daily. For me, this looked like my parents taking me to Sunday school and church every Sunday, attending bible school, and going on mission trips. My parents and family planted the seed for me and my knowledge of Christ began growing at a young age. If they had not taught me about Christ, I wouldn't be anywhere close to the person I am today. I am a huge worrier. I live in fear of the unknown and stress myself out about every small detail and unplanned event. If I didn't know Jesus then my life would be so much more shambly than it already is. The Lord has mended my heart so much more than I can even fathom. But none of this would have happened had my parents not raised me in the church. At times, it was probably hard for them to get me dressed and carry me and my two brothers to church every Sunday, but they did and now I get to experience His love every single day. Sharing Christ isn't supposed to be comfortable, and for many of us it isn't. Like most things, evangelism scares me and a lot of anxiety surrounds the subject. In the book of James (which we're studying in my small group) chapter 2 talks about the sin of favoritism and it is a really convicting message. 2 My brothers,[a] show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory. 2 For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, 3 and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, “You sit here in a good place,” while you say to the poor man, “You stand over there,” or, “Sit down at my feet,” 4 have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? 5 Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him? 6 But you have dishonored the poor man. Are not the rich the ones who oppress you, and the ones who drag you into court?7 Are they not the ones who blaspheme the honorable name by which you were called? 8 If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. 9 But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. 10 For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it. 11 For he who said, “Do not commit adultery,” also said, “Do not murder.” If you do not commit adultery but do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. 12 So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. 13 For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment. I know it's long, but there's such a great message hidden in there. Like many passages within the Bible, the meaning behind this message can be different for everyone. For me, it makes me uncomfortable. It's hard to understand that I sin just as much as someone who doesn't know the Lord or that my sin counts just the same as there's. The biggest thing I came to realize about this passage is that everyone on this earth is a sinner. There is no other commonality between all people other than our sin. Evangelism makes me uncomfortable because I'm sharing my faith with a complete stranger, but that stranger is really no different. We both sin, but I know my sin is forgiven and maybe they don't. God doesn't call us to live a comfortable life. It's hard to share your faith, but your comfort is not worth someone else's salvation.
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Things are about to get real. It’s been a good while since I last posted and here’s why: depression and anxiety took over my life. This post is full of vulnerability and hope and I hope that you take a second to read this. For the past year I have struggled with anxiety that kept me up at night and depression that caused me to miss class. I fell into a dark place where I pushed friends, family, and God out. I felt hopeless. When summer finally came around, I was surrounded by the most encouraging people and was being continually poured into. I thought that I had overcome the depression and anxiety that I experienced during the school year over a period of only 3 months. I was wrong. On move in day, I said goodbye to my parents, which normally kills me, but this year I was fine. No tears, just happiness for a new school year and a new chapter. The first week was great, and then Saturday came around. It was the first time I’d been by myself in over 3 months. The anxiety crept in and the fear of being by myself was overwhelming. I experienced the worst panic attack of my life that day and I have never been more desperate for the lord in my life. Thankfully, the Lord knew this was coming and he had prepared the biggest and most loving support system I have ever had. My parents came to be with me for the next few days and I started counseling. Counseling is the absolute greatest thing that everyone needs. It doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t make you inferior, it makes you human. Counseling is a tool that we are so lucky to have and no one utilizes. Everyone has problems, no ones perfect, and talking it out to someone who is unbiased is the best thing this world has to offer. If you have been going back and forth about counseling, go forward and take that step. The past 5 weeks have been the most transforming of my life and part of that is due to the work and progress I’ve made through counseling.
Mental health and counseling both have such a large stigma around them that makes me so angry. Mental health is so important. Work doesn’t come before it, school doesn’t come before it. In order to be your best self and do well at work and in school, you have to take care of yourself and those things will follow. Since that first week of school, God has been working tremendously in my heart. This past weekend, I went to fall retreat with the campus ministry I’m involved in on campus, and as we like to say, God wrecked me. I have never been so desperate for him and because of that, our relationship has never been closer. He has used this time in my life to be vulnerable with others going through it because you are not alone. I’ll say it again, you are not alone. So many other people are going through this and if you isolate yourself, you’re making it more difficult to get through it. I’ll be real with y’all, all the bibles verses that we hear on anxiety and being sad are nice and all, but they did not help me one bit. I knew God was with me, but I needed him to slap me in the face with the word and not through sappy verses that are over used (for this particular topic, I still love those verses, I just needed something more). In my bible study on Monday night, we looked in Romans 4 and the relationship between God and Abraham, and y’all, the lord spoke to me and I haven’t been able to shake it. 17 As it is written: “I have made you a father of many nations.”[a] He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not. Every other time I’ve read this I just though God brought a dead person back to life, and that’s cool and all, but that’s easy for us to picture the Lord doing. But on Monday when we read it, I saw a different meaning. God takes the dead parts of us, the parts of us that we see as useless and worthless, and he brings them back to life. He prepares those parts of us and makes them whole again to be able to share our stories with others. To be vulnerable and reach people we never envisioned reaching. He is constantly taking the dead parts of ourselves and bringing them back to life. He took my depression and anxiety and made them a part of me that I’m proud of. He gives us what is necessary to complete his works through the parts of us that he wants to use. Not the good, happy and easy parts of our lives, but the parts that are hard to talk about and make us gain true and real relationships with others. Embrace the broken, God is working in you. The closer we get with Jesus, the more the devil will try to tear us down. This isn't torture or punishment. Lean on Jesus, he using you. Pictures can speak a thousand words and I know some of mine do. My life in no way is put together. I struggle with things just like everyone else and the devil stirs up storms in my life to scare me and to shake my faith. There are points in my life when I let him tear me down. Through anxiety, stress, tiredness, and perfection, the devil works at my insecurities and try’s to create serious doubts in my head. I think of these moments as a house on the beach build directly on sand. The stressors or doubts the devil throws at me disrupts my sense contentment because my life is built on something that allows it to move. Then I experience others moments in my life when my faith is at its strongest point and there’s nothing the devil could do to shake that. I like to think of those times as a house on the beach built upon stilts. The devil can try and create storms in my life to knock me down, but my foundation is strong and immovable. The water can’t get to the house built on stilts. The lord is my support, He is my foundation. My personal belief is that Christians faith walks look a like a mix of these moments. Times of being built upon sand and times of being build on stilts or rock, as scripture points out. We aren’t perfect and sometimes the devil will try and wash us out. Matthew 7: 24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” I’m sure you’re wondering at this point what this has to do with pictures, so let me explain. In less than a week, I will be traveling to Belize for a mission trip with an amazing group of people. I had the pleasure of attending last year and getting to love on the kids and families there. As most people do while on a trip, I took tons of pictures (5,000 to be exact!!). These pictures captured the moments the kids captured my heart and I get to cherish them for the rest of my life. I love looking through my phone at the kids smiling faces, reflecting Gods love and on the toughest of days, they’ve gotten me through. As I prepare for another 10 days of mission work in the wonderful country, my heart is anxious. The devil is certainly trying to work on my heart and love doubts and distractions in my head to keep me from sharing God’s love. So as I always do, I sat down and scrolled through my phone. My eyes became filled with tears watching videos and looking through pictures of the kids living their lives now that they know the Lord and my heart became full. Pictures can truly speak a thousand words and I’m so thankful I have these to look through when my mind becomes filled with doubts. I noticed something different when I went through my pictures. I looked at the pictures I took before I left for Belize and the photos i took when I arrived home and the difference is bigger than I could have imagined. I saw first hand how the lord worked through me in Belize, through conversations and new friendships, but never through my life when coming home. I’ve always been a pretty laid back person, with an optimistic spirit and happy look on life, but my life didn’t reflect that. The pictures i have before July 13, 2017 reflect a life of settling, fake smiles, and selfishness. I took pictures of superficial things and mainly, pictures of my self. After July 13, my camera roll is filled with moments of meals spent with friends and smiles so big my cheeks hurt for hours afterward. I spend more time focusing on the things the lord has given to me and not the things the devil has tried to take away. My life is more meaningful and I’m happy. I have unhappy moments, I get hungry, but Im a more genuine human because of the love the lord has poured into me through others. Mine was by children in Belize, yours could be someone you meet at the grocery store. Keep your eyes open, eyes listening and mind focused because the lord is always working. You are the lords work of art and you speak a thousand words. Hi friends!! It's been a long while since my last post, but i think the lord was preparing me to write this one. I am so humbled to be leaving for Belize this week and to love and be loved by so many. I hope you all enjoyed this entry and I can't wait to share my experiences with you soon. With much love, Sydney Please keep my team and I in your prayers as we are preparing mentally and emotionally for this trip! |
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